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Soon, I will disappear.

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YEAH [24 Oct 2011|11:43pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

This is how I feel right now. Like life is really pointless. Life is whatever we make it out to be. And most of us choose to make it ugly and meaningless and angry and hurtful. Why? Why is it so much easier to be miserable than to be happy. To focus on global warming and the cost of a gallon of fucking gasoline for a stupid car to take us to a stupid job that we don’t even make enough money at to go see the beautiful things in the world. Like the Grand Canyon. Or the shores of Hawaii. Or the Arches in Utah. Or the Gulf of Mexico. Or any of the beautiful things on all the other continents that I will never see. Why is it so much easier to focus on how much your back hurts than how great it feels to go for a mile run or a hike through a nature trail. Why is it so easy to focus on all the wrong in a relationship with someone than all the great things you make together. Beautiful memories, fun, love, sometimes even breeders have amazing little beings that embody all that is right in the world. A new chance not to make it all suck. BECAUSE NONE OF IT REALLY MATTERS ANYWAY. MIGHT AS WELL ENJOY IT AND BE WITH THE ONES YOU LOVE REGARDLESS OF ALL THE OTHER BULLSHIT.

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[14 Jan 2009|03:24am]
[ mood | numb ]

There's a huge part of me that wants to cry and another part of me that tells me it's not even worth it. I've always known where I was headed--so why should this be a surprise?

Oh, how I hate human emotion. How I hate addiction. How I hate miscommunication. How I hate that there are so many beautiful things in this world that you can become so easily distracted from.

In a world full of Iphones, Wii's, and plasma screens; how are we supposed to remember the black albone penguin or the POLAR BEAR. I think polar bears are my new favorite animal.

We will probably not see the end of much that directly affects us--aside from the the miraculous leadership that has lead us to insane gas prices and the highest unemployment rate in 16 years. Not to mention the never-ending pollution we put into our world more than regularly.

And honestly, since it doesn't affect me, I can all but try to make a difference. What's the point--it's all going to hell anyway.

I'll just make my tiny footprint on the world, with my tiny love for all species not human, with my nonsensical ponderings, that aren't, or ever will be, worth a god damned thing.

I fucking hate this world, it makes me sick. But at the same time, I'm so comfortable in my tiny, nonexistent bubble--that I could really care less...except for those times I stop, and I think.

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[13 Nov 2008|01:01am]
[ mood | discontent ]

Such a fool to end up in tears again.
Things change but I swear to god that they always stay just the same--I just slowly, but surely, deal with them better.
I don't think I am ever going to get over it; mostly because I don't want to.
I don't think I use semi-colons right.
I hate sleeping alone.
Over the summer, I almost never did. That was bad and ok on any given day. Depending who I was snuggling.
I've had a warm body next to me the past few nights and I just know when it's gone it is going to be all the worse.
I'm such an idiot.

Get me outta this place.

I think I might go crazy again.

Tears come and I kinda don't want to let them go, because they are so rare. And so forgiving.

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Fascia. [14 Sep 2008|03:45pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

I can't write. I want to but I really hesitate to bring myself to do it. I'm scared of what will spew out. There are so many things tornadoing around in here. Though I should probably deal sooner rather than later, especially with the inevitable frozen tundra just around the corner. But why not just repress? Ignore. Repress. Explode? Implode.

Not really so secret secrets.
Cats everywhere.
Ghetto beer pong.
A lake in the trunk of my car.
Chronic pain.
A brand spanking new broken toe.
Love affairs.
Food--the noise band.
Empty savings account.
Shitty job.
Constant failure.
New friends.
Old friends.
Red friends.
Blue friends.
Daily struggle.
Dirty dishes.
Dirty mind.
Clothes strewn about.
Thoughts lost in translation.
Fear of feeling.

I dunno. Be more vague.

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[02 Jul 2008|04:33am]
Keep up with your destiny.

Be a hopeless alcoholic.

Just get out in time.

God, just get out in time.

who cares.
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If you think that you're strong enough. [02 Jul 2008|04:25am]
[ mood | tired ]

It really, honestly hurts not to write.

A love lost. So many loves gained. A love lost. So many more unwanted loves gained. Try not to toy with their hearts and do nothing but. Hurt and kill. Look in the wrong places. Hurt and kill. Yourself. Everyone else. Find something worth everything. Infinitely fuck it up. Try so hard. Infinitely fuck it up. Horrible friend. Horrible daughter. Try harder. Work. Study. Try harder. A love lost. Hurt and kill. Fuck it up. Fuck it up. Fuck it up. Fuck it up. Fuck it up. Fuckitup. Fuckitup. Fuckitupfuckitupfuckitupfuckitupfuckitupfuckitupfuckitup.

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[28 Jun 2008|11:10pm]
Creepy Charlie was talking about the rainbow gathering in wisconsin and Will said he was down to go. Oh, I am so down to go. Too bad I'd lose my job. Maybe I could just find someone to latch onto and live out in the woods for awhile. Get baked constantly and forget this monotonous life for awhile. Clear my head completely. Ah, I wanna just go live in the woods. No where. No phone. Maybe I could just live at sugar island. Fuck the winter, though. Ah, no that won't work. There's internet and satellite and phone service. I need solitude somewhere serene. I love when alliteration just happens. Meh, I just love alliteration.

I really like boys. Don't get me wrong, I love women, but I get along so well with boys. Always have. So much easier. So much more enjoyable. Too bad penis is ugly and women are so beautiful. I really like boys--except crazy roommates with some hopeless attachment to me that want my constant love and attention and affection. Gross. Worse than a girl. Leave me alone.

I'm moving to the woods. I'll do lotsa research and figure out what plants I can live on. Not killing animals, though. Nope nope. Maybe some bugs. Couldn't be any worse than the diet I have now.

I told like 20 people I was gonna call them today. Maybe I should. I'm probably not gonna sleep. I just don't have the energy to move enough. Driving. And gas. And getting booze. Maybe if I took that pill I'd be fine. I think...I just need more beer. Then I hafta share with my crazy roommate I think. grrrraaaarrrraaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I'm so crazy. So so so so so so crazy. NOT SLEEPING IS FUN. LIFE IS AWESOME. WISH I COULD BE IMMORTAL. YEP FOR SURE. I would be a vampire, though. Let's not get started on that one. Dear god. Oh my god, I miss Mark. He's like one of my favorite boys ever in the whole world. I need to see him. It's been like...years. That's horrible.

I think I like the Katy Perry album more than I should.

I also have this little guilty please called Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. Her music makes me happy. And she might just be the image on the background of my desktop.


am I still writing this stuff
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I moved in with the strangest guy. [25 Jun 2008|10:09pm]
[ mood | amused ]

Why...must my roommate want my love and attention? He just coaxed me into making him food. And why? So he could stand there and talk to me the entire time. And he's gonna borrow Buffy--that's how you know. And I think he wants me to take his stitches out for him. Which I will probably do cos I have some sick fascination. But really? What a sick, sick, sick, fucked up relationship. Not at all healthy. He said something about blah blah blah cleaning up blood. to which I replied "BOOFUCKINGHOO MAYBE YOU SHOULDN'T BE A FUCKING PSYCHO AND SLASH YOUR ARM OPEN" It needed to be said. I don't think he's drank since that day. Very different. God, Amanda. How do you get yourself into these things?


Pills and booze. Booze and pills.

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I'm still breathing. [24 Jun 2008|11:56pm]
[ mood | Itchy ]

What is it about me? Seriously.

And damn this vicodin itchiness.

This boygirl wants to spend all her money on me. Am I really that amazing? We've only met twice.

And what is it about the past two summers that I am so fucking self destructive and miserable?

Oh yeah. Fucking cunts. Mother fucking cunts. Fuck em.

And dude, working for one hour. Awesome. Not really.

I like to take lotsa pain killers and drink beer. Every night.

And where the fuck is my roommate? Dead? Maybe he's here actually. Doesn't mean he's not dead.

That's another one. Seriously. What is it about me?

And I just don't know what to do about this whole thing. This life thing. I mean really.

I need Angela so bad. The one no-fail.

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Why does everyone want to fuck me? [21 Jan 2008|04:05am]
Hahahahahahaahha omg though--I swear it's true.

It's fun.

I've been in this whole new state of mind in the last...like 6 months or so. I'm figuring out how to be stable and have slightly healthier relationships and really appreciate people--as a race--a lot more. And get used to myself and make the best out of me. And...I don't know. Growing up or something? I'll be 23 in less than a month. That makes me feel...old...er?

The people in my life right now...are just exactly right. Or so it seems. I don't think I've felt like that in a long time. I love you my lovies. So fucking much. Forever. And you so know who you are.

Sometimes I wonder what I would be like if

...wow I got distracted for a long time by Ken and this girl and then Alex and I really have no desire to go back to whatever I was thinking before.


I shall leave it as...OMG...if you are really still reading this--get a life. I know I am amazing but, this is long and pointless or something.

And now "Lover I Don't Have to Love" is blasting and I wanna go absorb it cos it's been awhile.

Haha. I love you, Laura.

OMG--actual livejournal update?



--do it up--it's amazing haha.
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[09 Oct 2007|12:19am]
Fuck being human.  I hate humans.  Humans with their stupid emotion and stupid lies and stupid need for love and affection.

At least it all makes for interesting writings.  That no one will ever read but me.
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[10 Apr 2006|06:00pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I had an excellent weekend.

Spring sprung and it makes me happy.

I wonder what this summer brings. All I know is they are turning Silverman's into something.

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[06 Apr 2006|03:01am]
I'll be in Livonia from Thursday-Sunday.

Contact me if you haven't already and want to hang out with me.

I have so much shit to do and people to hang out with.

Wheeee Livonia.

Will referred to it as "Pleasantville" today. I thought it was funny. He understands that area and how much it sucks. I should get him and Richie's number so we can hang out when we are all back on that side of the state, working at separate Blockbusters. Haha.

Or maybe I'll be in Niles doing fieldwork all summer.
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Blue and Yellow? [02 Apr 2006|01:42am]
[ mood | confused ]

Today I vaccuumed the entire Blockbuster store.

There was nothing better to do.

I have problems.


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Liar [29 Mar 2006|12:22pm]
I think I have given up on livejournal. Too many people reading my thoughts to ever let them flow freely. I've moved on to a new journal, but I am sure I will continue to write vague excerpts here that no one really cares about and I will always check my friend's list, though not nearly as obsessively as I have in the past.
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HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA [18 Feb 2006|12:49am]
[ mood | cheerful ]



YEAH 21!!!!!


Now back to my Katee, Laura, and Matteo. <3 <3 <3

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I don't think it's wrong-it's just gone to my head [06 Feb 2006|12:11pm]
[ mood | melancholy ]


So much for that empty feeling.

Last night I finished my short story. It didn't turn out the way I expected it to. It was focused on love and, of course, the inevitable heartbreak, instead of on what I had planned it to be focused on. I really didn't expect myself to write a love story. Odd too, because I woke up to read Linda Strawberry's blog on her own love and heartbreak (my story was based on her).

I don't know how much I like my story and last night it got me thinking about myself and falling in love. This is never good. Me thinking about how I am incapable of the romantic sort of love. I hate it, too, because I yearn to again feel the warmth of another's heart, but instead I avoid it at all costs by choosing the wrong people to fall for and empty, usually drunken, affairs of the physical kind. I wish I could turn off this inability to love, but instead I get more comfortable in it's familiarity everyday. Blah blah blah...

Today in class, we discussed this girl's story about a severely depressed, self destructive girl. Finally, a story that had some depth. She was a cutter and didn't understand her own depression. The writer seemed to really grasp this concept, but I swear that it went above the head's of the rest of the class. I, of course, said nothing. I've dealt with my own depression for that past 8 or so years and I don't understand much better than I did way back when. And apparently ALL cutters have a history of sexual abuse. There is this older woman in the class and she said something about how a parent would know if their child was cutting--that the kid wouldnt be able to hide it and it seemed as if all the class came together in saying: "yes, they could." They are all experts on the subject apparently. I have done my share of self-destructive things (thank god I had my sleeves rolled down in class today)and I couldn't claim to understand it better than anyone else. I wish I did, but I don't. I've never understood my own depression or what has motivated me in much of the things I've done. I swear I was going somewhere with this...oh well. Babble babble.

I think it has been too long since I have been home. I miss my puppies and my mommy. God, do I ever. I am excited to go back this weekend (never thought I'd feel that way). I plan on spending lots of time at home and going to my grandma's. I want to fall asleep with Bear snuggled up as close to me as he can possibly get, instead of curled up in myself shivering the night away, fighting to fall asleep. Also, I am hanging out with Mark. It has been way too fucking long since I have seen that boy. I am pretty happy about seeing him. Also, Kelly said he would play with me. Yay!

So, in 12 days I turn 21 and I have pretty mixed feelings about that. That getting older thing is a change I am having a hard time grasping. At least Angela may be back for my birthday, which pretty much completes my life.

Also, I started thinking about school and what I am planning to do with my life and how can I possibly make it through graduating at WMU and then going on to grad school? Am I really capable of that? And I have all this fear and maybe it is rational to question one's self and the future they have planned. It figures that the one thing I would be rational about would be fear and insecurity.

God, I can't wait to be in Vegas. In the warm sun with Angela and my mom. Could there be any better way to celebrate turning 21?

I hate putting my thoughts into words. I never express them quite right. Yeah yeah. And now for the expected...I wonder how many people actually read all that nonsense.

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[04 Feb 2006|02:49am]
[ mood | contemplative ]

Often I think about how I should write more often (not neccessarily in lj or myspace), because I'd like to have a record of the thoughts and the things going on in my life. At this point, however, I can't find it in me to write anything down. Putting it in black and white would make it that much more real. I don't want to have to accept that. I don't want to think the thoughts I think. I'd rather just live in the shell that I have become and pretend that I do not form thoughts. Maybe with enough practice, it will become real instead of pretend and I truly will be empty.

Or something.

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Only a matter of time. [02 Feb 2006|02:23am]
I am imploding.

I need to be in Vegas.

Or curled up with one of my puppy dogs.
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The World is Gonna End Pretty Soon [28 Jan 2006|11:45pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

This morning I woke up crazy. I don't know why. There is no reason for it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that I actually got more than 4 hours of sleep--which would make the opposite of sense. I do not know.

Then Laura and I watched Magnolia which increased the insanity. Seriously, have you ever seen that movie?

Then I locked myself away for a couple hours in hopes of getting a jump on writing my short story, but instead I started compiling a list of songs to put on a CD entitled JLAMACK as seen by Amanda--or something like that. I don't know. I am so crazy today. Hopefully I don't wake up crazy tomorrow--but it might make work fun.

I love work. The people I work with are so amusing and nice.

Blah blah blah.

I really have a lot of thoughts racing around my head these days.

The people upstairs need to like...fall off the balcony. Stupid MFs.

21 days til I am 21. So weird.

31 days til Vegas. OMG YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW EXCITED I AM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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